The Paradigm of Banking –Revelations

[This is the final post in a series of highly memorable ones written by me. Come on - Humour me! Start by reading the first article, the foundation. You can click on the links to go to the suitable article. Derivation of utility from these articles depends purely and primarily on the reader's cognitive abilities as well as the emotional state that the reader was at the time of reading]

The Testament of the New World Order

Arun’s First Letter to the Icicians (hereby referred to as ‘ Ct. Arun I’)

Ct: Cent

[This letter is also called in non-banking circles as “The Protocols of the Bankers of Debtopia”. However unlike a similar titled document from Zion, this manuscript is purely authentic].

My Fellow bankers and the Clan,

“I ask thee- do thy knowth thy truth friend. I sayth - Nay; for no man of disbelief, disillusionment and disenchanted can see the light of the friend. Thou looketh as though the most wile of all man has cast a spell of most evil character on thou.

Take heart for the chosen Mess is coming. I bring forth to you his excerpts of his sermons

[The complete and unabridged copy of the Mess’s Sermons can be purchased by ordering it through our ‘outsourced’ call centre in Timbuktu. Kindly pardon their weird accent – we are training them. We also offer a low cost edition to management students]

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Excerpt 1

The Mess askth thou to remember that old adage – “A friend in deed is a friend indeed”

The Mess telleth you that this is howth thou should approach thy Customers. Consider your customer as thy friend and follow the friendly adage.

“A friend indeed is a friend in Deeds“(preferably loads of deeds)

Translation in Common English: Gain your customers unwavering and undying support to you by making them pledge everything they have, including that foul smelling and rotting undies that he/she is wearing.

Give them more and more debt till you are reasonably sure that no deed is spared.

Expand thy kingdom like this till the world bows down to you.

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Excerpt 2

The Mess’s Oracle sayth, “We can’t see beyond the choices we maketh- what we taketh determines their as well as ours futures.”

The Mess sayth, “The non-discriminate and incessant flow of lexicographic terms (related or unrelated to finance) should be so directed that thou shalt maketh the customer forget whatever he came to you for.

Maketh him taketh thy choice and not hissssssss”

Translation: This simply means that the banker must be proficient in uses of words that will put the Oxford dictionary to shame. The Banker believes in no dictionary as the latter severely curbs and limits the usage of the Language to those present in the dictionary. Due to limited development of the human brain, every individual will nod in agreement to any sentence that can be completed only with the usage of fifteen (randomly chosen Number) new words. Of course, half of the bankers themselves don’t know what they are saying. The other half knows what they are saying because they are deaf and thus cannot hear their own words (alternatively it has been suggested that some are merely verbally challenged i.e. Dumb).

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Excerpt 3

The Mess sayth to the Banker, “It is the sole prerogative of the banker to ensure that he has his army ready for the final war. Fill thy houses with sycophants and vile henchman to ensure that even if you miss corrupting thy customer, they will!”

Translation: Pretty simple saying, isn’t it. Forge alliances with Real Estate Agents, Advisers [Including Mutual fund advisers, life Insurance agents] Tax consultants and Stock Brokers (one can include marriage brokers also). With them, you can create an army that can rival Sauran’s army of Orcs.

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Excerpt 4

The Mess cryth out to thee, “Listen, My flock! Know thy country and how to enslave it! When a country’s citizens prefer Plastic to Rubber, Thou should that its citizens will soon become the property of the Banker.

Translation: If you thought this was about shopping bags, sorry to disappoint you. When a customer loves the plastic of credit cards and the like (a good banker’s tools) more than he loves rubber (for his tools), it is almost sure that the customer has taken the highway to doom.

When Nehru was here, we (as used to describe Homo Sapiens owing allegiance to the Republic of India) didn’t like plastic or rubber.

When Indira and Sanjay was here, we didn’t like plastic and we didn’t NEED rubber.

When Rajiv was here, we didn’t have plastic but we still imported foreign rubber but we didn’t like both

When McMohan and Madam is here, we started liking plastic but still no rubber.

Excerpt 5

The Mess sayth, “Don’t be a stingy fart – go and order my original and unabridged version”

Translation: The Mess has compared the banker to the highly noxious fume emitted by the species Homo sapiens. However the Mess has committed a grammatical mistake (an Oxymoron, to be precise) – he hasn’t realized that the only thing Humans are not stingy about is their fart and advice [both are differntiated only by point (location) of output devices].

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Excerpt 6

The Mess advises, “Never believe in anything? After all, what is misfortune? The fortune that never misses an individual. So let every individual enjoy this fortune

Translation: the Mess is in a mess and he is now in repeat mode – which means that this is the temporary end of ‘The Paradigm of Banking’

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Finish off with a quote from the Devil’s Dictionary about pain, “It is an uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.”

Is there going to be a sequel? Who knows? If there were 6 Rocky’s...

The Paradigm of Banking – Loaded and Loving It!

Kindly read the first blog – if you are incapable of understanding this gigantic and onerous task, may I ask you to put Hercules (or Herakles – Depending on whether you like doing it the Greco way or Roman irrespectively) to shame by scrolling to the end of this article to find the first post.

The Second Blog Explained– First, we look at the days just before the New World Order (Not the NWO of Shawn Michaels and Co.) and then I drabble on and on…

Lavations

I did figure out why they sent me to the water deficient East Coast. Bankers have a poor record of cleansing themselves of the muck covering them. The last time any banker did anything of that sort was when the ‘All-Seeing Eye’ came up with a New World Order. Come on, even the bankers take a bath once in a ‘pure white’ moon (of course, that is if you can see the moon past all that pollution, smog, acid rain, Britney Spears porn sites…)

So how did the Old World Order come to end?

The retribution was long, painful and made people believe in the power of the Red Devil (or the Americans call them, "The Commi's"). It came one morning when the high priests were offering their daily sacrifice (a living bull) to the Temple of Wall Street. The Gods had become bloated and soon it burst leaving behind an oozing and viscous trail of poverty along its path.

What did the bankers have to do with it?

Well, they had everything to do with it.

Let’s put this way. Someone in the mid-1800’s had a brilliant brainwave after seeing a girl play with balloon. The more bigger the balloon become, more kids rushed to see the gal blowing (incidentally some things will never change – no pun intended) balloons. It is one of the most singularly distressing moments in the history of finance that the Banker forgets to see the natural ending of this blowing game.

Lets get back to more trivial matters – The unholy union of the Banker (Commercial and investment banking were integrated in those days) and the company ensured that the promoter (starring the superstar J.P.M.) got a obscene price for his share. Of course, why would the banker care as his commission came as a percentage of the issue size? Come on, even the most shameless Milkman mixed far less ‘water’!

Today One of the last reasons you will hear cited for the Great Depression is the above mentioned. Why? The Media don’t touch the bankers – I don’t know why and don’t ask me why? Of course, they earn their money by writing stories and a banker’s life is the second most boring thing in life, second only to watching the Indian Debt Market Instruments scrip price changing (in any direction). Of course, a few cynics may opine that reading my Blogs deserves that credit. But that is not the issue here; we are talking about the second most boring thing in life)

Thus, we see that the pivotal role played by the banker was all wiped with much great efficiency. It is quite fortunate that Nixon could not take a crash course from bankers on this aspect.

Let’s skip a few chapters….

In the Third Part of this Blog, We shall enter the New Testament and see forth the Letters of Cent. Arun to the Icicians.

The Paradigm of Banking – Start of the Testament

This article is the output of a disturbed mind and may not follow any discernible pattern of composition. Comprehension of the article is merely a luxury and not a necessity in any right.

First, Why this Blog?

Banking is a respectable profession, so they say and so I accepted! Having hurled myself across the finishing line of a campus recruitment process, I was, at first, delighted. Of course, it doesn’t take long time for the ph levels to come down heavily and signal red.

The first doubts are always the best doubts – in my case, “why bank?”

The Genesis

Across the board that we call the world, people have developed various prejudices – many of these are, thankfully, not transnational. If it’s the caste that casts a shadow over the progress of India, then the bane towards development of America’s non-professional life (however miniscule) is the colour and race. In professional life, it is the presence (or absence) of certain organs among Homo sapiens that seems to be the determining factor of competency.

However, there is just one class whose very name evokes the worst of trepidation, consternation or for the want of a more superlative word – apprehension. Just who is this class?

Let me introduce to you the two species – Homo Bankus Genitalis and Homo Bankus Leechers. [Some Zoologists are of the opinion that the former should be called Homo Bankus Gentlis and that the current word is merely a representation of the frustration that the ‘gewöhnliche leute’ feels towards this species]

Well, the most amazing thing about these two species is that both are auto-mutatagenic i.e. a member of one species can be easily mistaken for another. One leading professor studying species claims that the banker species is essentially Homo Leechers and that the Homo Genitalis is merely a camouflage of the Leechers. Outrageous? Not exactly- ask anyone who’s gone to a bank.

The Exodus

This clan was always on the run. The simple reason was no-one liked them- not even Shakespeare. It is, of course, wrongly assumed that the first Shylocks (or bankers) were born out of Florence and Genoa. Well, this is nothing but a well planned cover created by Homo sapiens to hide their own hideous past.

God was a banker – otherwise why would he put a apple tree right in the middle of the garden? And to make sure that the borrowers broke the contract, he threw in a free snake – thus dooming the latter to a life of perpetual ignominy.

[Some people would argue that God was a landlord, an insurance agent. Well, all these types are merely typos (for the uninitiated, typo means a ‘spelling mistake’) of the Homo Leechers]

When did the Exodus take place?

Through out the history, it has been taking place. Me going the East Coast (India) is merely a blip in the radar. [Wonder why they call it the East Coast when potable water is the only thing you wouldn’t find along the Coast]

The Jews did their fair share of travelling. Most of them went to the Promised Land while the few remaining went to raise a ruckus in Israel.

[Readers: Please note that I am not anti-Semitic; instead I am a great believer in the Indo-Israel-U.S bhai-bhai-bhai tea time crap]

The Baniyas and the Mardus of India have not spared any place. Last heard, some of them bought land on Moon so that they could have exclusive rights over the first Indian slaves exported to that place. Trust me when I claim that they say the time as “11 Rs, 33 Paisa”. Seconds have not yet made its debut into the Baniyas Linguistic Manual due to the obvious lack of an equivalent monetary unit.

I am sure that the reader is quite capable of associating such people in their own cultures.

I can safely vouch that every inhabited or uninhabited (these Hollywood celebs are crazy people) country in this world will have at least two moneylenders.

When did they stop running?

The Americans [sole owners of the freedom to protect my freedoms] deserve the credit of this. The Robber Barons of the 1800’s showed Shylock on how to extract a pound of flesh without a drop of blood.

Feed the people on the 7 sins and give them lots of dope – vegetal, verbal, and voyeural [or in worse case scenarios, Viral]

The start of the virtual decay in the way Homo sapiens started treating other colleagues can be credited to those times.

It is a tribute to the banker that he has now be able to express the relationship of

(1) A father-son as a merely a function of payback period;

(2) While a marriage can be expressed as an NPV of an asset leading to tangibles outflows and intangible inflows throughout the lifetime of the asset

Contd….